Digest>Archives> September 1996

Lighthouses are bad

By E. R. Paine

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Lighthouses are bad

That's the headline that appeared with the following editorial in the July 18 edition of the Provincetown Banner Newspaper. Keep in mind when reading this that Provincetown is located on Cape Cod near the Highland Lighthouse. In newspapers and television stations across the country and especially in New England, Highland Light was in the news nearly daily because of its historic move. E.R. Paine is a regular columnist for the Banner.

If I read another lighthouse moving story I'm going to run screaming into a bus. I hope Highland Light, that crusty old flashlight, tips over and rolls right down that sand cliff into the cruel and hungry North Atlantic.

That old tin can is an eyesore, and we should have scrapped it years ago. Ships don't need lighthouses anymore, they've got technical geo-satelitte stuff out the wazoo. All those sailors out there just laugh at those crappy old lighthouses. I heard a merchant marine yell "Lighthouses suck!" from the crows nest of a passing tanker.

That guy was right. Those crumbling old lighthouses just sit around doing nothing, like a decrepit aunt. The right thing to do is call Dr. Kevorkian, but instead these lighthouse nuts start mumbling and shaking-they want to keep the corpse alive!

What an outrage! Instead of an orderly, inexpensive dismantling, we've got to waste taxpayer dollars on preserving a curio well past its prime. A lighthouse is about as useful as a snuff-box, these days. But that doesn't stop the lighthouse fetishists, oh no - they plot and plan and wheedle and whine and they just won't stop until the rest of the world falls to their knees clutching the sides of their heads and moaning, "OK you whining freaks, just please shut up and move the darn thing!"

And for some reason, the newspapers gobble it up. Every night I wake up chanting "Highland Light will be moved 450 feet...the lighthouse weighs 650 tons...the lighthouse is good," brainwashed by the Chinese water torture of endless mindless lighthouse stories.

Well, I'm not jumping on that bandwagon. I'm here to tell you the hard truth that all those lighthouse freaks, including everyone connected with the Department of the Interior, the U.S. Coast Guard, the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, the Truro Historical Society, the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers and the International Chimney Corporation, well, all those folks are just a big pain.

They should have mined their own business and left that lighthouse alone. Then all the really cool people on the Cape could've hung around and drunk beer and watched it tip over like a Tower of Pizza, or whatever that Italian place is called.

I am urging my vast readership to protest the misguided, perhaps evil move of Highland Light. Sneer at all lighthouse supporters, they deserve your scorn.

Editors comments: Never let it be said that Lighthouse Digest does not print all sides and views. What do you think? Is this guy missing a screw in his head or what? If you would like to write a rhetorical letter, and we hope you do, write: Editor, Provincetown Banner Newspaper, P.O. Box 1978, Provincetown, MA 02657.

This story appeared in the September 1996 edition of Lighthouse Digest Magazine. The print edition contains more stories than our internet edition, and each story generally contains more photographs - often many more - in the print edition. For subscription information about the print edition, click here.

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